THE "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" RIDE

from a phone conversation about 3 weeks ago:

me: "listen man, you're really startin' to piss me off. i told you i don't want you calling or texting me anymore, yet you continue to call and text me. i'm on the road right now. i don't have time for this crap!!"

him: "what, i'm not allowed to call you on your birthday?? would you rather i not call you on your birthday?? now that would really piss you off"

me: "ok, i'll let that one slide, but it wasn't my birthday the other 5 times you called and texted me even though we agreed we wouldn't call or text"

him: "i can't help it if i want to let you know i'm thinking of you."

me: "yes you can, and you really need to stop. it's creepy. YOU'RE CREEPY, so creepy that you're becoming UNATTRACTIVE"

him: "wow, you sure can be harsh.."

me: "listen, i was very honest with you that i didn't want to be in a relationship right now. i'm about to start training for this ironman, i'm on the road for work, THERE'S NO TIME FOR PLAYING HOUSE."

him: "but i still care about you. i want you in my life. i still wanna go riding together. you inspired me to get a new bike, and i just got it. you gotta see it. IT'S ITALIAN"

me (to myself) "we road bikes once on a sunday on the bike path at the beach and you road a mountain bike, and i got sand all in my chain. it was 26 miles, and you needed a nap afterwards. i'd hardly call that quality riding..."

me (to him): "i don't know. maybe. i'll call you when i'm back in town"

cut to this morning to what i call the "let's just be friends ride." i agree to meet him at a public location because there's no way in hell i'm going to his place....

so here we have the new bike. and IT IS ITALIAN, a de bernardi. i have never heard of the brand, anyone out there heard of such a thing?? it's aluminum with carbon fork and seat/chain stay, campy yeah whatever. HOW MUCH DID HE PAY FOR THIS BUMBLEBEE??

i'm trying to be nice, he's trying to keep his hands and thoughts to himself. we decide to do 45 miles from malibu to ventura county line and back. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY, and i have to admit it's nice to see him and hopefully move on from the creepiness. yeah, that lasted about 2 miles....

him: "listen to how cool my campy sounds!!"

me: "enough with the coasting....let's pedal fool!!!"

him: "i like the view from back here..."

me: "you're getting creepy again..."

so i'm pulling and now acutely aware that he's staring at my ass, but i haven't ridden in a month. i just wanna get some miles in. i'm just gonna focus on perfect circles, the gorgeous view, and ignore the creepiness. he mellows out, the shoulder widens, and we start riding 2x and shooting the shit about work and family. hey we made it to county line!! take my picture!!!

uh, thanks dude, you totally cut out my ride....

ok, ok, i'm being mean. let's just enjoy this day. we get to the turnaround at big rock and here's some rock climbers. cool!!!






him: "wow girl, it doesn't get any better than this. we're truly blessed. i'm so glad you wanted to come ride with me. i really think we can be in each others' lives like this. it can work like this...."

me (to myself): "dude, whatever you do right now, DO NOT BEND DOWN ON ONE KNEE, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ROMANTIC, AND DO NOT GIVE IT THE OL' COLLEGE TRY REACH AROUND THE SHOULDER OR I'M GONNA HURL"

me (to him): "hey i'm hungry, let's head back to neptune's net for some grub"

him: "ok, i'll pull if you want"

me: "cool"

so now i'm staring at HIS ass when, if it wasn't already, it becomes crystal clear just how much this can't possibly work out...

me (to myself): "boy, i thought you were gonna pull. YOU'RE COASTING AGAIN!!! i know, i know, your campy sounds so cool when you coast, but this is ridiculous. you bought this crazy-ass italian thing, and you're just gonna coast on it?? and let's not even mention the harry legs. REAL MEN SHAVE THEIR LEGS!!!

then i look down at my computer in disbelief.....


now the computer doesn't lie. and no, that's not my cadence at 112, THAT'S MY HEART RATE!!! i can get it to 130 just by walking briskly. you see cadence is ZERO because WE'RE COASTING!!! no no, this just isn't going to work out.....

we stop for lunch at neptune's net, a biker joint where us cyclists get the stares....


then we head across the street to watch the surfers while we digest our lunch

this really is turning out to be the quintessential "california day"

me: "hey, it's getting late. we should head back soon."

him: "yeah, you want me to pull again?"

me: "no i'm cool taking the front. whatever. let's just see how we're feeling..."

we make it back in good time, friendly hug goodbye...

him: "hey, this was great. let's do it again soon, the cycling that is...."

me (to him): "well, i'm heading out of town again next week, so i don't know when i can meet again, but i'll be in touch"

me (to myself): "no way, dude. tomorrow i start base for im brasil. no time for friendly rides"

i know, I. AM. SUCH. A. BITCH. but hey, i gotta keep my eyes on the prize, and COASTING JUST AIN'T GONNA GET ME THERE.....