FRIDAY NIGHT CONFESSIONAL

me: "forgive me Iron God, for i have sinned. it's been 48 hours since my last workout and these WERE NOT PLANNED OFF DAYS. it may be another 72 hours before i can get back to a substantial routine"

IRON GOD: "what happened my child?"

me: "well, i'm on the road and without my bike. on top of that, it's raining on the road and my shoot hours have been insane. THEY HAVE WORKED US LIKE DOGS EVERY DAY. as far as training goes, that leaves just two things to do every day. i mean how many ways can you variate swim and run before it gets tired?? i'll tell you, Iron God, about 4 days. first it's morning swim, evening run on the treadmill. oh, and the Presidio YMCA has the most retarded dreadmill system EVAH. there's a 30 minute limit and you have to reserve one in advance. WTF?? and 30 minutes isn't gonna get me through the 7 miles i need to do. i actually had to get off of one after 30 minutes and then reserve another one to knock out the second half. hello, anyone heard of first come first serve??? then it's morning weights followed by evening 3000 yd./6 mile brick. i never realized how lost i'd be trying to navigate through a new weight room. next morning it's the run again followed by an evening swim. by the 4th day, Iron God, i'd fallen from grace. i skipped the morning thing cuz i just needed to sleep. no problem. i'd pack it all into an evening brick again. our shoot was so insane that day that by the time i rolled up to the gym, i needed a nap before i could go in there again. i just couldn't face that dreadlmill one more time, ya know?? so i started to put the seat down and was seriously going to take a nap in the parking lot of the gym when i realized i was toast, BURNT TOAST. so i called my buddy Joe for a pep talk. turns out Joe just got dumped that afternoon and wanted to drink. oh, Iron God, how quickly we fall, spiraling, spiraling, burning to the ground...."

Iron God: "and that's when you bought the two bottles of wine?"

me: "oh, you noticed that huh?"

IG: "i see everything my child..."

me: "oh, Iron God, what have i done? it was a great bottle of wine though!!! i mean look at the label. IT WAS CALLING ME!!!"


me: "and then i just hit rock bottom. we ate and drank and watched Netflix movies. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I ACTUALLY STOPPED TO WATCH AN ENTIRE MOVIE WITHOUT SITTING ON A BIKE TRAINER?? and oh man, was it a perfectly great downer of a punk documentary about one of my all-time favorite godfather of punk bands..."

IG: "yeah, that's a pretty epic flick, and then you made it a double feature with this one."

me: "oh, you caught that too?"

IG: "again, i see EVERYTHING, my child. wanna explain the munchies incident?"

me: "i'm so ashamed..."

IG: "anything else you want to share?"

me: "why?? you see everything don't you?"

IG: "why yes, my child, i do. even the 4 course meal complete with wine pairings for each course at that great little French place in Carmel."

me: "can you really blame me for that one?"

IG: "no way. good food is good food, especially when someone else is paying..."

me: "EXACTLY."

IG: "so tell me, my child. just how bad do you want this Ironman?"

me: "oh Iron God, I WANT THIS SO BAD, but it's hard to keep a straight line all the time, especially on the road. now i know how all those adulterous rock stars must feel. i have forsaken my bike, i know. please, please, Iron God, i'm begging you, what can i do to still make it to Iron Heaven?? you name it, i'll do it."

IG: "first, i want you to STOP FREAKING OUT. whatever you can't get in, you can't get in. you gotta move on and keep your eyes on the prize. next, never EVER EVER take your bike for granted again. every ride from here on out, you must love that bike and ride that bike to it's fullest potential. that doesn't mean ride fast or ride hard, but MAKE EVERY MILE COUNT"

me: "i got it. EVERY. MILE. WILL. COUNT. anything else?"

IG: "CORE EVERY NIGHT IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM."

me: "of course, of course. CORE. what else?"

IG: "well you tell me..."

me: "ok, ok, i've had impure thoughts."

IG: "i'm listening.."

me: "well, i daydreamed about daydreaming and snuggling up on the couch on a sunday while watching an all-day marathon of Project Runway."

IG: "yes..."

me: "and i've been plagued by envy. i'm pissed off that everyone in my tri club, everyone in the entire state of California, will be at the finish line to watch the final Crit stage of the Tour of Califorinia, when it's just 2 miles from my house, but i'll still be far far away on the road..."

IG: "first, there'll be no time for daydreaming or any all-day tv marathons, so just get over that one right now."

me: "you could just tell me who wins..."

IG: " i could, but then i'd have to kill you. now that won't get you to Ironman will it? besides, that's what Tivo is for. second, envy is one of the seven deadliest sins. how many of those fools going to the Tour are gonna be Ironmen come May? let's talk about envy then...SACRIFICES, MY CHILD"

me: "yeah, you're so right. ok, no more envy, no more daydreaming. what else?"

IG: "and don't you ever EVER again doubt yourself. don't doubt that you can do this. never doubt that YOU WILL ROCK."

me: "no more doubt. NO. MORE. DOUBT."

IG: "is that it, my child? is there anything else i can help answer for you?"

me: "well, maybe you can, Iron God. you see, i've been REALLY GASSY lately..."

IG: "sorry, can't help you there, my child....whoever smelt it dealt it"